Art.Suvro.Ghosh
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M130 Rut
Rut
____
Things are not going very well—just a clockwork of rusted ruts.
In the attempt to feel different, I let myself get lured into one project or another, until the meaninglessness of it all pulls me into the depths of despair. A pathological unhappiness—anhedonia—where joys once reveled in become distant memories And it's calibrated by how few words I speak in a week—sometimes none at all. But nestled in this muteness is the pervasive and painful feeling of disconnectedness that I can't share with anyone who would want to understand without judging. And if spoken words are a way to communicate, anything I say is moot; there's nothing I fear I can add to the act on the stage in this tragic comedy I am featured in, possibly as a shadow or a ghost. Yes, I'm just a ghost, and very importantly, a meaningless one.
This spiraling downward into a pitiless dark void, more like my sophomore dreams of falling from a cliff with a receding lover's face, is rife with internal critique at the circumference of each narrowing spiral. Each fractal curve digs further into the blights of trapped memories, revealing deeper malaise and forgotten hurts buried so many decades ago.
A postponed rivalry with my own essence, packaged deep in my subconscious, is a constant subversion of what I sought to be, but linked to it, it ended up as this united grotesque mind-pair, vainly inimical for its own good—an unrivaled belligerent fatigue that kicks the weak and tired fallen internal figure, starkly honest and too anachronistic, into disrepair.
And in this hellscape, where hope feels oppressed and emotions turn heartless, the opium of the moment is nothing but a shut door—shut everything, shut eyelids at least. I hang there precariously until I can burden my nerves with sleep, and then more of it, until I forget who I am. When I am absent—a nobody, abandoned by tired neurons too starved to care anymore—I start over again, floundering for reasons to exist.
It's true, my aspirations were plucked too early, like flower buds never allowed to bloom and the resplendent flourish put on unremarkable clinical hold. Very few people would see the side of life that I did, and if they did, they'd be equally cynical and deranged. And now it feels like a harbinger of my own destruction with these walks back the memory lane, yet within this turmoil repeating, there are lessons found and lost for people like me, who are not me, if only they could read.
M12 My cup of late-night tea
M128 Happy Diwali
M127 π Άπ ΄π ½π Ύπ ²π Έπ ³π ΄ πΆπ°π π°
M 126 I'm a bengali
M125 Darling
M124 Ambrosia
M123 Sashi
M122 To the intelligence inside you
M121 I stir my rod
M120 Alien in calcutta
M119 Dental pain
M118 Durga Puja 2023
M117 it rains
M116 I brush hard
M114 π Άπ ΄π ½π Ύπ ²π Έπ ³π ΄ πΆπ°π π°
M113 The black fungus
M112 Super shit splat
M123
M121 sage shoukalin
M120 I feel weak
It may be blasphemous, at least since Israel supports the spying infrastructure in India—the popular pegasys system—to say anything that's not aligned with the incumbents, but I feel this isn't the way to go; both Israel and Hamas will be causing the deaths of innocent civilians, and I don't care about sides. Just like I said Putin was wrong, these guys are too. I feel more helpless and depressed.
It's probably just me, an up-and-coming loser adrift in this meaningless haze, or maybe it's because depression lifts the curtains and exposes the ulcers and festering boils under the imitation-brand t-shirt that society wears. The days and nights whirl into a dull, repetitive routine that doesn't inspire any creativity, but I persist in bringing pen and paint to paper. I do that because time is running out; it's this moment, and that's all I have—an ephemera that's constantly spooled into the past before I know it.
And soon the entire present will be spooled into the past, and I'll be closing my eyes. It's inevitable, and that's why I need to keep looking for the cracks through which the Tyndall rays stream through the haze in the early morning when the angle the sun subtends allows for this magic. At least I'm still breathing. I console myself; it could be far worse if I allowed people's bullshit to get any closer than it has. This self-imposed incarceration is what has kept me alive.
Some people on LinkedIn misunderstand me as an impolite snob who rams in as a contrarian when everyone else is going giddy with emoticons. They don't know how uncomfortable this persona is and how unfortunate it is that they might not get anything out of my efforts. It's hard to reason with the crowd. I'm outnumbered. These are overconfident people who don't want to hear from experience unless it's obligatory or part of a paid course that sends them a paper they can frame on the wall. And even with all the trappings of civilization on the shimmering glossy patina of social media, it's still a tribal society of rabid apes barely past its infancy in evolutionary terms and well steeped in the prevailing superstitious voodoo and fiction they've been indoctrinated into, unwillingly at first and then as complicit partners in crime.
Plus, they're right—those that know have been bad communicators, hiding what is straightforward in the deep wooded impenetrable jargon land. It's a pity it has to be this way, but when I look at my situation, it makes me realize that if this is how science has to struggle for a foothold, it's because the scientists are doing a pretty good job of making it slippery for popularizers by creating an alien language that's hard to translate into colloquial everyday plainspeak. And thus, unless the bubbles are pricked when they're sitting on them, most keep sailing drunk with ignorance, which feels good. The main problem is that the bubbles will burst in their lifetime, and they won't remember the ugly, smelly, disgusting cynics that tried to warn them before.
M120 Snow the cat
M120 homo sapiens fucked
M119 This god in me
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